Joshua and I were driving home from his swim meet which was approximately 30 miles away. The traffic on interstate 40 had slowed to a crawl coming back into Nashville. Construction had narrowed the lanes from 4 down to 1 and there was the customary jockeying for position going on.

We had made it down to the next to last lane as the cones were gradually pushing us all to the left. Then I noticed something odd.

There was a white pickup to our left – the far left lane – which, going 10 or so miles per hour that was slightly swerving. As we approached on their right side, I saw a woman in the driver’s seat.

Then I saw her son standing in her lap.

Then I saw the driver’s side door swing open slightly.

This woman proceeded to drive with her right hand and hook her left arm around her son’s waist while still driving.

The boy then urinated out the door onto the shoulder of the road.

Stay classy, middle Tennessee…

Presented for your reading pleasure, here are a few things I learned in the arena of children and sports:

1. If you consider how much the evening is costing you, it will ruin your experience.

2. Mascots are enthralling to 7 year olds. They are equally terrifying to 4 year olds.

3. If a cup of liquid is sitting anywhere near you, it will inevitably be spilled. It’s not a question of if… only a question of when.

4. The smartest thing promoters at games ever did was provide between inning entertainment.

5. Children have approximately the same ability to remain in a baseball game as professional pitchers. If you make it through 5 innings, you’re doing okay. Through 7, it’s a huge win for the team. If you go the complete game, you’ve got something special on your hands.

Case in point, here are the lyrics for the nursery rhyme Andi has been singing all morning:

“Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed.

One fell off and had to be treated at the ER.”

I was out of town last Sunday, so this post comes second hand from her. As the sermon drew to a close, Jana dutifully got up and went to the front. Leaving Joshua to sit by himself for a few minutes.

Now this is not uncommon. He’s done a really great job of adjusting to “big church” this year. So no worries right?

It’s a couple of minutes into the response time. Jana is waiting with Bible in hand. Here comes Joshua down the side aisle.

Approaching for prayer, no doubt.

Mommy: Hey, Joshua – do you need me to pray for you about something right now?

(Head shake)

Mommy: Well what do you need?

(The bend down and listen motion.)

Joshua (cue whispery voice): You didn’t give me any allowance. I don’t have any money to put in the… the thing.

Mommy: You can give it next week. Go back and sit down.

(Another bend down and listen motion.)

Joshua (still in whispery voice): I also colored a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog with blue shoes.

Mommy: Go sit down.

My wife, Jana, says these things are true about our one-year-old, Christian:

1. He’s not interested in doing something he doesn’t want to do no matter how much you might want him to do it. this became apparent in teaching him his baby sign language.

2. He loves music.

3. He loves even more dancing to said music.

In order to combat #1, Jana enlisted our whole family to combine #2 and #3 to teach Christian the sign for “all done.” Which, if you are unfamiliar, is shaking your hands above your head. Results are below:

Me: What do you think people thought about Noah as he was building the boat?

Andi: That man is silly.

Joshua: Or crazy.

Me nodding vigorously. Yes, children, yes.

Me: I think so, too. God was going to destroy all life on earth.

Andi (interrupting here): Except Noah!

Me: That’s right, sweetie. Not Noah and his family. And not two of all kinds of animals.

Now the conversation devolves into a discussion of what animals should have been saved, and which ones we could just as well do without. Redirect, Kelley. Redirect. Don’t lose control of the room.

Me: So what was the difference between Noah and the other people of his day?

Andi: Spiders. I wish all the spiders died.

Me: Focus, guys. What was wrong with all the people in the world except for Noah?

Pensive silence here. Joshua smiles his ‘Get ready cause I’m about to own this room’ smile.

Joshua: Everyone was wrongchous.

Pronunciation guide: wrong-chus

Me: Excuse me?

Joshua: Wrongchous. You know, cause Noah was righteous. Everyone else was wrongchous.

Here endeth the lesson.

That’s what my daughter says every time her brother tries to get me to tell some elaborate story of how Batman entered the Star Wars universe and beat up the emperor only to find out that the Joker has somehow obtained a lightsaber.

Whatever. But Andi? She wants to hear about the wall.

I have no idea how this started, but at some point I told my children about the Berlin Wall. Yep, the real Berlin Wall. And now Andi, for at least a year, has wanted to hear the story of “the wall.” Here’s how it generally goes:

“There is a country way across the ocean called ‘Germany.’ And the leaders of Germany couldn’t get along, so they decided that they would be two countries. They put up a big wall, right in the middle of their capital city, and it was very sad. There were families who couldn’t see each other for a long time because they couldn’t get across the wall.

Then one day, (and this is Andi’s favorite part, where she usually interrupts and finishes the story on her own) the people decided they had enough of the wall, so they took their hammers and saws and axes and they started to tear down the wall. And when it was done, the families could see each other again.”

I have left out of the story the finer points of democracy, Ronald Reagan, and a few other minor details, but it gets the basic point across.

All that to say, the children are now convinced we should go on vacation to Germany, which I’m all for, except that I think they might be a little underwhelmed at seeing the wall. And then they’ll want to go to German Disneyworld, which I don’t know exists.

So here’s to history, friends, and the telling of good stories while the children still want their daddies to tell them.

Several weeks ago, the family loaded up in the family truckster to go to Dollywood, which my brother accurately described as “several square miles where a Cracker Barrel exploded.”

True. But also awesome.

How awesome, you ask? The afternoon we came home, the kids were exhausted. And filthy. So we put them in the bath one by one.

A few minutes later, I went in to check on Joshua and found him quietly weeping in the bathtub:

Me: What’s wrong, buddy?

Joshua: I’m just so sad we’re not at Dollywood any more.

Me: But it’s good to be home too, right?

(sniff, sniff)

Joshua: No. Not at all.

(more weeping)

Me: Okay. You can stay in here until the water gets cold.

Joshua: Okay. I just need some alone time.

There are certain markers in all of our lives that you’ll remember forever. Your first kiss. The first time you walked into a room with your fly unzipped. The first time you drove a car.

Joshua had one of those this week: The first time a kid in your class throws up.

It was some kid named Walt. He apparently threw up.

A lot.

Joshua, who is usually pretty pensive about his days at school, um, “vomited” up the details of this one. What color it was, where it happened, and how the mysterious Walt got to spend all day in the nurse’s room.

But after the story, the theories started. Obviously, Joshua and his buddies had been discussing the how’s and the why’s of puking all day.

Here’s the idea that rose to the top: Walt, in a furious rage of desire for green beans, had succumbed to his urges and stuffed his face full. In his great fervor, he had neglected to swallow said beans. Then, when he swallowed them, his stomach rebelled (which, according to Joshua, is what happens when you eat too many green beans). This accounted for the distance and velocity of the throw up, as well as the color.

Ahh, kindergarten…

Song 1: There’s a song in High School Musical 3 where Troy and Gabriella are breaking up (don’t lie – you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.) Anyway, Gabriella laments her fortune in life, pining, “I’ve gotta go my own way…”

Song 2: There is a song in The Land Before Time part 87 (or thereabouts) where Sarah, the little female triceratops, is teaching us about the difficulties of being in a mixed family when your father triceratops hooks up with a new mate. She sings, “It’s so unfair! I thought we were a family-y-y!”

Song 3: “Lord I Lift Your Name On High.”

Unfortunately, they all kind of run together in the mind of a 3-year-old. Hence, here’s what we’re getting:

“I’ve gotta go my own way… but it’s so unfair! I thought we were a family who came from heaven to earth; to show the way…”